It's Harder to Breathe at the Top

For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with being the best at whatever I do. Perhaps it's because I'm a sore loser by nature. Maybe it's because I like the recognition and satisfaction that comes from a job well done. At times there are more noble reasons for pursuing excellence in everything I do. Most of the time, it's a mixed bag of the above reasons. But whatever the motivation, I'm often pretty dedicated to charging to the "top" of whatever mountain we're climbing. And not only do I want to get to the top, I want to be there first.

Ignore all the obvious character flaws the above paragraph puts flashing lights around, and play along with me for a while. Because I'm a dreamer by nature, and want to be the best, I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. I love to dream, plan, strategize, think, and hope about what I'll say during my conversation this afternoon with one of our single adults who is struggling with pornography, my premarital counseling session next week with a really cute couple who is doing things right - I even have a "WIAP" (When I'm a Pastor) file in my filing cabinet that started about 10 years ago - before I even started in ministry.

But if I'm not careful, I can spend my whole life thinking about how great things are going to be "when I get to the top" that I miss the fun in the journey, and glamorize "the top" to the point that the picture in my head is an inaccurate portrayal about what "the top" really looks like.

I watched a movie the other night about some guys who climbed Mt. Everest. They spent years planning their trip, days and weeks preparing and climbing the mountain, and 5 minutes at the summit.

5 minutes at the top...

It's hard to breathe at the top.

It's the same thing in our careers and ministries. We can fawn over what life must be like to be the CEO, or the Manager, or the head honcho. But when you get to the top, it's pretty hard to breathe. You're no longer working in the realm of possibility - you're dealing in the world of actuality which never seems to conform to the world you dreamt about.

When I got my first full-time ministry position almost ten years ago, I had a file full of ideas for how to be a great leader. I knew how to craft a vision, mission, to establish core values, and to establish a group identity. I'm embarrassed to tell you how many management books I read in preparation for that job (and subsequent jobs), to only find out that the majority of them are written by dreamers like me who manage in the world of pretend without real people, real problems, and real issues.

In the current ministry where I serve, there are lots of exciting things happening. It's glamorous sometimes, but most of the time it's just plain hard to breathe. Decisions aren't as easy as the fake decisions you make in your head that have no consequences. At the "top" of a ministry, every decision is like that old game of Pick up Sticks: every thing you move has an effect on everything else. You can't change a program without assessing values, and you can't assess values without assessing culture. You can't look at culture without looking at people, and people are messy and change on you just about the time you're ready to make headway.

Leadership is a lot about making good gut decisions, and those make my stomach hurt.

Make no mistake, I love where I'm at. I can see things slowly beginning to shift as lives are changed and perspectives are transformed. I can see light bulbs coming on, and a bigger picture that not a lot of people get to see. But it's a lot harder to breathe than I thought it would be.